THE WHITE GIRL LIST

By CLETUS RHODES

She's just asking for a pair of balls in her mouth

As a waiter years ago, myself and others, some white women included, would run for the hills when a party of badly behaved white girls showed up- wearing tiaras, fake tits hanging out, high heels squeaking, and a cloud of foul smelling perfume polluting the air. While some guys were all over it, only to be bossed around and not tipped well, I would always look past the sexual flaunting since in their minds it was a way to get what they want. Just for the record, I don't care about your tits when I'm working. I have a job to do. And like anticipated, the party would take up a large table, drink water, eat free chips and salsa, talk shit about whatever girl just got up to go to the bathroom, never ordering an entree making your tip percentage of the night plunder into white girl hell.

I don't get why, but it seems as if some white girls have become more spoiled and prudish these days and not to mention predictable.  While I was in the dating scene I started to gain interest in ethnic girls. Why not? Multiculturalism  is not just for white girls anymore to get back at their conservative fathers and narrow ass ex-boyfriends, or any other "angry white male" right? Well, the White Girl mentality knows no racial boundaries and in many cases no gender boundaries. Yes, black girls, Asian girls, Arab girls, Latinas, gay and straight white men acting like white girls.

Enough of my vagina tantrums, I bring you The White Girl List: a humorous exploration of sheepish, spoiled, and predictable traits in the ever-demanding world of entitled female leisure, vanity and recreation.You may share a few of these interests- I do and I am not a white girl, but it has nothing to do with the people, places and things you surround yourself with. It's the campaigning-the strive for self-purpose and identity through becoming a host for social and personal trends; a desperate advance to let everyone know that you're "independent" when actually you share the same interests as every other girl in line waiting for their order to be called at Panera on their lunch break.

 I know, why would I come forth with this rant- I may be jeopardizing my single life, right?

My single life is over, and my girlfriend is okay with this list. Although the color of my girlfriend's skin is white, she doesn't possess enough listed traits to classify. She simply is not a "white girl", though at times she does white girl things, she's not trying to gain merit from the simplified female agenda. As time goes on I will try to define this more and more. The following list is in no order and is subject to change. Your feedback is encouraged, your tears and venom...not so much.

THE WHITE GIRL LIST...

 

• Panera- It's as if they all just discovered the soup and sandwich. Must have free wi-fi there.

• Bottled water- if they don't have one on them, they turn to dust.

   

   

• Hi-Fives

• Yoga pants -they wear them any chance they get.

• Yoga mats
  

• NPR

• Australia

•   Spain

• Mac 'n Cheese

• Gluten allergies

• Veganism

• Uptalk

• Vocal Fry

 

Not like the chicks on here are setting an example

• Four Square -So we know where you are when your friends stand you up.

• Greek Yogurt - because it's lowfat and trending!

• Gym- where they go to burn off nervous energy, drink bottled water, and walk the treadmill listening to their work out mixes.

Tiaras -an accessory that says it all...

• The Today Show

• Whole Foods

• Magic Hat Beer #9

• Brunch

• Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network

• Pink Red Sox apparel

• Shoe shopping

• Plastic Surgery- Because Number 12 Looks Just Like You (white girls won't get this)

• Sunbathing

 

• Sweat pants and UGGs

• Headaches

• Excessive flossing and brushing

• Multiculturalism

• Sarah Lawrence 

• Non profit/Fundraising

• Starbucks

• Irish Pride

• Micromanaging

• Horses and Ponies

Get over yourself little girl

• Jackie Onassis Shades - if some could wear a helmet to hide behind they would.

• Instagram -takes picture of birthday cake and makes it look vintage.

• Acting like black girls with their white friends -try that shit in the Heath Street projects in Jamaica Plain.

• Talking ignorantly to black girls referring to something as "Ghetto" and getting beat up by black chicks at McDonalds... 

• Saying "This is (the) Bomb"- a street phrase that has been out of date for sometime.

• 20 minute showers -yet they parade around about saving the planet.

• Lying -yes, they are good at it too.

• "Oh... My... God"- White girl mantra

• Tea loaf- because they feel like pigs eating donuts.

• Requesting no onions on their salads so their breath won't stink - god forbid they smell like anything but roses.

• Children's Soccer -penis envy

• Getting an ass-kicking from Black Girls -likely to happen in some parts.

• Fag-hagging

• Peace corps -a cheap way to travel to third world countries where famine, poverty, and rape awaits them.

• Vagina tyranny -Most of the time, it's nothing to write home about.

• Indian cuisine- induces a state of multicultural bliss.

• Ann Curry - Because she wants people to practice random acts of kindness and white girls are really good at that.

• Shit talking about fat friends -it's always the larger girl who doesn't realize how judgmental her thinner friends really are when she gets up to go to the bathroom at dinner time.

• Reusable shopping bags -saving the world never ends.

• SUVs with "Save the Environment" bumper stickers -saving the world one bumper sticker at a time.

• Bikes with baskets and bells -watch out, here comes Holly Hobby!

• Their dogs- insane about them, and my heart goes out for the male dog who is on the other end of the leash.

• Burnt Melba - low calories so they aren't the one who gets talked about while in the bathroom during dinner.

• Rice Cakes -low calories- see above.

• Has a back up phone - because god forbid they find themselves alone without a connection to the digital world.

• Coconut Water -trendy, expensive, and "hydrates" white girls love to be over hydrated

• Work Out mixes - music is a social accessory to them.

• Laughing at Kathy Griffin's comedy -because it's easy for white girls to get and relate to.

• Ellen's Audience- the worst.

• Reality TV show fetish -Feeling better about themselves watching other people's lives come undone.

• Memes -state of the art way to express their thoughts and ways of saving the world.

• Calling frozen yogurt  "FroYo"- it doesn't get any more white girl than that term.

• SPF 50-because skin cancer is the number one killer of white girls.

• Talking about saving the world- never doing so.

• Using acronyms in person- "LOL" and "OMG" -the manifestation of the cyborg white girl mentality.

• Perpetrating Sex and The City - hussies parading around town, all dolled up, acting like a group of gay men.

• Disney films - Delivers expectations and morals for white girls as they move forward in life.

• Sippy cups -because their little babies can't use a straw or they will choke and die.

• Tuna casserole -Something a white girl brings to a party 'cause it's easy to make, but won't eat it because their breath will stink.

• Toiletries -A white girl can never have enough. Sometimes there is even overstock.

• CVS runs -exclusive trips to  CVS, planned and executed at odd times of the day.

• PMS extension -"but I thought you had PMS last week?"

• Motrin -eaten like M&Ms

• Yankee Candles - So they can fill the air with the scent of French vanilla coffee.

• French Vanilla Iced Coffee -"because it taste like ice cream"

• Social entitlement -well, they're white, why not?

• Don't like being made fun of.

 Since it's a list, it can always grow or become more concise- or in some people's cases- it should go away. If you haven't had a chuckle by now and feel threatened, you are simply equating these things to your own identity which is dumb, because although the pattern is accurate, we all take part in mindless activities and behaviors that seem absurd when we put them under the microscope, yet they make up who we think we are or have to be, coinciding without egos adhering to sheepish mentality. But anyhow, behave yourselves, because there are white girls who fit this list to a tee. Can we resolve such a list? maybe, but what fun would that be. Life would be like Tits on A Boar.

See's white girl, shakes fist at vagina

If you feel I've left anything out of the White Girl List I'd love to hear from you.